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Dear Ding Dong in the Castle,
You are a turdhead and deserve to have gnomes eat your kneecaps. You were rude to me when I was patient and kind and you were a jerk when I used my nice person voice to tell you that it wasn’t appropriate for your child to scream in the library. I am angry you reproduced—may we never meet again. I hope your underwear disintegrates in public.
Love,
The Staff Member Trying to Set You On Fire With Her Mind
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Dear Planes,
You are making it very hard for me to watch this movie. Please fly quietly. Thanks in advance.
Love,
The Girl About To Go Up There And Lay the Smack Down
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Dear Life,
Thank you. You’ve got better customer service than Netflix!
Love,
Danielle
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Dear Life,
I know that with you, when it rains, it pours. But don’t you think I deserve a little something special? I’m not asking for much. I’d just like one thing to finally exist in my favor and happen the way I’d like it to. Send me something wonderful and I will gladly take on anything else you can set on fire before me with as many smiles as I have in me. Please, please, please don’t forget about me.
Love,
Danielle
PS: I know I always ask for ponies, but I’m just kidding. I don’t have any room for ponies right now.
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Dear Asshat That Attacked The Side Of My Car With A Bat,
I hope you have explosive diarrhea for a month. I also hope every car you own has their side view mirror destroyed continuously for as long as you live. Also, I hope someone steals 312 bucks from you, because that’s how much it is going to cost me to repair the damage you’ve done to my car. Also, I hate your stupid assface.
Hoping You Lose All Your Hair and Fingernails,
The Pissed Off Owner of the Black Corolla
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Dear Class of 2010,
Even though I don’t know about three quarters of you, and of those I do know, I secretly want to stab most of you in the face with an umbrella—I just wanted to tell you: I love your face. Congratulations! I hope you don’t starve!
Love,
The Hug Whore Taking Too Many Photos
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Dear Library,
Thank you for being brilliant. You and I both know you were the only reason I decided to come here instead of any other place. Like any good woman, you’re beautiful on the outside, and even more impressive on the inside. Thank you for the adventures, the secrets and all the bumps in the carpet that caused my cart (full of books) to tip over. You’ve been an excellent lover, and even though I am moving on, I will never love another library the way I have loved you.
Loving You Until the End of Time and an Eternity After,
Danielle
PS: Remember that one time in the basement by the women in politics books? Haha. Yea, me too.
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Dear Naked Seniors,
Teehee. NAKED!
Love,
The Girl Who “Accidentally” Place Herself in the Direct Center of the Running Path
PS: Guy on the bike, you were quite awesome. Rock on with your bad self. And your bike. But mostly your bad self.
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Dear Bill Gates,
You know what makes me feel awesome? When I find out the updates going on in the background of my compy fun are actually major updates that may or may not prevent my compy from exploding and taking over the world. It makes me wonder why those haven’t been already taken care of. Some of those updates seem like some serious shit. I didn’t know there was a huge hole in my firewall. It’s like the crack in Amy’s wall. Are you a Doctor Who fan? Well, I digress. Thanks for fixing some of the major problems with the system. I’m sure you’re working on the rest.
Love,
The Girl Now Curious About the Other Updates
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Dear Guy With the Distractingly Fuzzy Upper Lip,
While I was staring at you today in class, I realized you weren’t nearly as awesome as you could be. Thus I ask: Could you please grow mutton chops? I think I would like that.
Love,
The Fat Chick Staring At Your Facial Hair As If It Might Speak
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Dear Girl Having the Very Public Break-Up,
I wish you could see it from my end. You’re so angry and he’s completely shocked. I want to shake you and make you look at his face—he’s upset and hasn’t tried to yell back at you. I don’t know who you are, but I want to tell you to stop, take a deep breath, and bring it to a place where strangers like me won’t be able to see your ex-boyfriend’s tears.
Love,
The Sad Passerby
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Dear Smelly Salad Girl,
I know I smiled at you when you sat next to me today, but deep down inside I was praying for lasers to shoot out of my eyes. You coughed the entire class and NEVER COVERED YOUR MOUTH. Don’t be a germ whore! And it wasn’t that innocent water-went-down-the-wrong-way kind of cough. No—you had to have a Bubonic-plague-infested-ebola kind of cough. You make me experience anger.
Love,
The Girl Ready to Punch You in the Lung
PS: Listen Coughy McCougherson, stop interrupting!
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Dear V-Printer,
WHY WON’T YOU PRINT MY READING?! I NEED TO BRING IT TO CLASS SO IT LOOKS LIKE I READ IT!
Love,
The Angry Girl Trying to Make You Explode With Her Mind
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Dear Lemon,
I know I was going to cut you open and eat you, but there was really no need for you to roll under the fridge.
Love,
The Girl Trying to Eat You
